Mortal Kombat
My
favorite video game, as a teenager, was always Mortal Kombat. You choose a
fighter and then fight until someone loses. No skill is needed you just pick
the meanest character and push all the buttons. Sound a little like marriage?
Are you choosing to be the meanest character in the room? Do you push all your spouses’
buttons? If this reminds you of your marriage I urge you to stop, examine what
the real problems are. They are not the messy counter, the laundry on the floor
and spilt milk there are much bigger factors that are perpetuating the
conflict. Dr. John Gottman said there are two kinds of marital conflict, 1)
conflict that can be resolved and 2) perpetual conflict that will be a part of
your lives forever. (p. 137)
Perpetual Conflict
According to John Gottman 69% of
the problems we face in marriage are perpetual. We sometimes keep cycling
through the same problems but in different ways. It’s not until we realize what
these problems are and decide that they are our own individual problems not our
spouse and overcome them ourselves do they actually go away.
Despite what many
therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflict
for your marriage to thrive.
You can learn to deal with the issue at hand, using humor,
realizing that you don’t have to solve it all at once you can take your time,
and choose not to let it ruin your relationship. For some reason there is three
point line around our laundry basket that my husband can’t seems to make. The sock
lies within feet of the said basket but yet fail to achieve their final resting
place. I have termed this his one human frailty and decided to just love him
for it. It’s not worth arguing or fighting over I kind pick them up and throw
them in.
Gridlock
Gridlock
in marriage is what happens when you are not able to move through a problem but
it circulates around and around until there is nothing but angry and malice in
the relationship. When you hit a gridlock, step back explore what the hidden
issues might be. (Gottman p. 141) Sometimes these problems occur because we
have not seen our spouses unrequited dreams, or dreams that they have that are
unspoken, said Dr. Gottman (p.141) For example my spouse always had the dream
of owning a business which was absolutely against everything I wanted. We kept
hitting a gridlock with arguing and disagreeing until we decided we had to
change. I took a leap of faith and we tried, my husband started his own company
and went to work for himself. He was elated. He came home happy every day.
Overtime I got use to the lifestyle. We have owned our business for over 10
years now and I am thankful every day for that inspiration to just let go and
follow his dreams. Our conflict had decreased
and we seem to be able to get through any problem because we consistently look
to each other’s needs and try to make the other more of a priority than ourselves.
A short clip from Dr. Gottman on how to overcome conflict in marriage:
No comments:
Post a Comment