Driving
Real LA traffic, this happens twice a day.
I learned to drive in Southern California, where the
distance from my house to the beach was less than 45 miles. But the amount of
time it took to get home was 2 and ½ hours. It was not because I lacked
knowledge of the roads or even capability in driving over the speed limit. The
problem was the amount of traffic on the road the gridlock was terrible. We
went 10 miles in 30 minutes. The slow dragging traffic was one of the reason we
only planned very short beach trips. If you left the beach by 2:00 it only took
you one hour to get home. And if there was an accident on this stretch of road
it added another hour to the drive.
What dreams may come
John Gottman talks about marital gridlock in his book, “The
Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”. Marital gridlock comes like traffic congestion;
we have problems in our marriage that make it impossible to move forward with
being a loving and successful couple. The gridlock comes as issues arise that
cannot be overcome simply by talking about them. Gridlock is actually the
dreams that you have for your life that your spouse is not aware of. These
dreams shape our actions which in turn regulate our responses and the weight of
their importance to us will not let us side step them in our marriage but are
as solid to our person sometimes as the need to eat. Thus we will not let them
go but are forcing our spouse to accept them, even though they may be directly
opposite to our spouse’s dreams.
After reading chapter 11 of Gottman’s book I realized that
one of my hidden dreams that I have carried from childhood is the need to be at
church early, not just early but 10 minutes before the meeting starts, sitting
in our seats, waiting patiently and listening to the prelude music. This need
comes from my childhood; my single mother always conducted the music she had to
be at church really early. We came and settled ourselves 10 to 15 minutes
before the meeting so she knew where we were and she could meet all our needs
before she had to leave us. My husband is the opposite his family has sat in
the same pew since their building was built, by them. They came in anytime and
it was always available, so there was never any reason to hurry or rush out the
door. So on Sunday as I am hustling to get my family out the door, my husband
is at his leisure dressing and getting his things together. We usually arrive 1
to 2 minutes before the opening song, which in my mind is late. It’s really not
wrong, but it’s a contention we’ve had in our marriage for almost 20 years. I
realize that this is no way to start our Sabbath day worship, and that we can
change and let go a little more.
De-fang
Dr. Gottman says, “Your problem is not to solve the problem- it
will probably never go away completely. Instead the goal is to defang the
issue, to try to remove the hurt so that the problem stops being a source of
great pain.”(p.253) Working together to take time to talk one on one, each
respecting the time to talk of the other will help us overcome some of the
difficulties these gridlocks can cause in marriage. Unlike Southern California
traffic we can sail clearly through our relationship instead of being stopped
by things that in the long run will not matter.
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