Cautions in Marriage

In my life…

Yesterday we celebrated 19 years of marriage. We started our day at 5:30 with children leaving for seminary followed by another an hour later leaving for junior high and then still we had another leave for elementary school. Two young boys were fed and dressed. We said “happy anniversary” and then my husband left for a long day of work. He came home after 8:30, just in time for family scripture study and put everyone to bed. One child needed extra help finishing a project which I sat up to do with him. In the middle of explaining how to write a timeline, I heard our song; it was the song we danced to at our wedding. My husband was sitting in the living room smiling as he listened to our song, and waiting for his wife to realize that there was a celebration, if only for a moment, that needed to be shared. We laughed, danced, and embraced...and then were told to get a room by our children, who snuck out of bed. This anniversary is a success. We made it another year, even though our day was not celebrated with flowers, lavish trips, or a private dinner, I rather enjoy spending it doing what we do; we work, we laugh, we forgive, and we love.

The Experts

In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he states that “the strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationship’s future, because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override.” (p.52) Marriage is hard work; it takes many things to keep it functioning well. We disagree, are stubborn, and we fight. But we keep working at it. As we do we don’t let life’s little problems come between us, there will always be another crisis that needs to be solved, another catastrophe to be hurtled but together we are committed to accomplish the tasks as partners.

Things to watch for:

John Gottman talks about the four horseman to watch for in marriage. They are lethal negative reactions in a relationship that will, if left unchecked ruin any marriage.

1) Criticism is the first horseman when we seek to criticize our spouse we are attacking their character and personality.
2)Contempt is the second horseman. It comes from a feeling of superiority over our partner.
3)Defensiveness is our way of blaming our spouse.
4)f;Stonewalling is the last horseman it occurs after the other three have come in and set up their recurring habits. To stonewall your partner, it takes completely shutting down, not being able to look at them, talk with them, or even acknowledges any part of the discussion. Stonewalling happens when you are no longer able to discuss with your partner.

Searching through our relationships we can find where these attributes might start sneaking in, we need to take action to make sure they don’t take root and continue to grow. Through humility, patience, and love we can seek forgiveness from our spouse and overcome the damaging effects that might have been caused as we let these horseman take place in our relationship.

Short clip on the four horseman of marriage apocalypse:

Resources
Gottman, John M. , The Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work, Harmony Books, New York, 2015.